5 Questions for Couples Struggling with Communication
Communication is a top complaint couples bring to therapy. We can’t talk without fighting anymore. No matter how much we talk, we don’t seem to understand one another. I don’t feel heard. I don’t know how to say what I need to say. So why aren’t the solutions to these problems obvious: stop yelling at each other, listen, speak up, etc. There are often common themes behind conversations and arguments. Here are some questions to help you figure out what is going on beyond communication.
What is your processing style?
We all process emotions differently. Without knowing how your partner processes emotion, you might be making conversations non-productive by not honoring their need to process in their way. Understanding how we process emotion in an argument can be helpful in identifying why communication is ineffective. Consider if any of the following apply to you:
Internal processing - when processing feelings and thoughts, I am in my head and need time and space to think about it. I cannot access information or productive thoughts when I am in the heat of an argument. To have anything of value to add to a conversation, I need quiet time to reflect on what you have said. If you push for resolve while my emotions are activated, I will only become defensive and mean.
External processing - I need access to the person I want to speak to. I need someone to witness my emotions and to bounce ideas off of me to be able to work it all out. Being alone when I’m thinking only makes me feel more confused. I can’t tell what is real or not. I might get loud, use big actions, or cry - I might be emotionally expressive while processing.
Physical processing - I do not have words in my head, but I am experiencing feelings. Those feelings are physically overwhelming and my thinking slows down. I need to offload the energy in order to engage in a productive conversation by exercising or moving my body. It is difficult for me to come up with language to describe how I am feeling or what I need.
Verbal processing - whether I spend time thinking, writing, or speaking, I have A LOT of words to say. I am using words as building blocks to make sense of it all. There is an active equation that I am trying to solve. A+B=C. If A is the problem, I need to work through B to get to C - and B is an exhaustive review of all the information around a situation.
2.Why is a conversation non-productive?
While telling any client to simply stop any action is rarely effective, I certainly notice when there are patterns that are not serving the conversation. What happens when your partner yells? Do you listen more or less? What happens when we start to say hurtful things? Is your processing style being honored or mocked? Do all of our arguments happen when we are under the influence of other substances? Or when we are exhausted? While simply saying “stop it” may not be effective, it can be helpful to know that the way you are engaging in a conflict is not helping you achieve the resolve you are seeking. Do you notice any non-productive trends in your conversations that contribute to a lack of understanding? Do you need to have rules for your conversations? We can’t argue when we are tired or hungry. We can’t argue if we’ve been drinking. If one or both of us starts yelling, let’s take a 20-minute break to cool off.
3. What needs are the emotions trying to express?
Whenever conversations turn emotional, logic seems to decrease, and it can be difficult to identify what the conversation is even about. That does not mean that emotion doesn’t serve a purpose. The same way that a baby learns to cry (because babies do not have language skills yet) when it needs food, adults often express emotion prior to understanding that they have unmet needs. If the emotion that I’m experiencing is frustration, so I yell and snap about little things, it is likely that there is a cause of that feeling. I feel frustrated because I’m working hard and no one notices. What I need is more help and consideration for how it makes me feel to have my work unacknowledged. I need to feel supported and acknowledged in order to not be frustrated.
4. Why is it so hard to find the words?
For some, they know they need to speak up, but the words just won’t come. It’s a bit like a train engine pulling a heavy load. To get the emotional language going, it takes a great deal of effort, meanwhile, others who have access to language don’t understand. They jump in front of the train trying to pull it along and encourage it to move, by saying things like “Just tell me what you are feeling!” Trying to pull a heavy train is not only ineffective, you’re actually in the way. What that person needs is patience. Get out of the way, get off the tracks. Of course it is good to want to know how your partner is feeling, but don’t try to figure it out for them. Learning to speak in emotional language takes time and it is clunky. Learn to have appreciation for the effort. At first, it may come out like a cave person speaking “I feel bad” or “I don’t like that,” but it will build and grow the more they can trust you with their efforts.
5. What’s change is happening in your life?
What assumptions did we make about how our relationship would go? What roles did we assume without discussion? Are there areas that we are not happy with now, even though it is exactly what we thought we wanted at some point? You and your partner are always changing. You cannot assume that everything will just keep working the same way it did when you met. Look at the phase of life you are in now versus past phases. What situations are different that you never made new rules or roles around? Good communication about change is essential to the longevity of your relationship. Where did it start? How is it going? How do we want it to go for this phase? How would we like it to go for the next phase? Are the ideas we had going into this actually working? How can we adapt? Building awareness about rules, roles, and phases of life can help you understand the secret pressures, stresses, and fears that your partner is bringing to every conversation. Knowing where they are and how they would like to grow is a great way to provide important context to various arguments around seemingly small events.