Roommate Syndrome
It's no secret that relationships go through many phases, and some are more enjoyable than others. How about the honeymoon phase? What couple wouldn’t want to live in this phase for the entirety of their relationship? With time, the honeymoon phase wraps up and life begins as a couple. We begin to show our true selves that we may not share with most people. Conversations become deeper and more vulnerable creating the initial connection that builds the foundation necessary for the future relationship. After some time together, there is a phase many couples find themselves living in called the roommate phase. Also known as, Roommate Syndrome.
What is Roommate Syndrome?
Roommate Syndrome is known as a time in a relationship when the couple is living life more like roommates than intimate partners. You know, arguing about who takes the trash out, or does the dishes. Why are certain areas of the house such a mess, and who is responsible for what? It is easy to get annoyed and frustrated with our partner for not completing their share of the work. Frustration like this has a sneaky way of building itself into resentment, and where does resentment fit in a relationship?
Why is Roommate Syndrome Dangerous for couples?
As we think about what having a roommate means and what it looks like, usually it is someone who we like and have chosen to live with. However, this relationship is usually one built around friendship without intimacy. As a couple, intimacy is a necessity! Intimacy is more than physical, it is a connection created through communication and understanding. It means knowing your partner through and through.
What about when you’re exhausted? Your job is demanding. The kids need your undivided attention for their needs and activities. You are worn out. Tired. Just done. BUT the house needs to be maintained, meals prepared, and LIFE… Oh, but don’t forget your relationship. Suddenly, you are too tired to address conflict, too tired to express your needs, and too tired to connect.
It is hard work to choose your relationship. We don’t choose the roommate phase because we want it, we “choose” it because we are exhausted. Unfortunately, if we allow the roommate phase too much space and time, it can wreak havoc on a relationship.
How do you get out of the roommate phase?
Getting out of the roommate phase takes a conscious effort; it takes hard work. You have to choose your relationship and reignite the “spark”. You chose your person for a reason. Do you remember why? What did you love about them? What made you connect?
Reconnect with your partner
Create time when you can talk with your partner on a daily basis. Finding time to connect daily even if it is only for 10 or 20 minutes can open the door for more communication and connection. Learn your partner’s love language and challenge yourself to love them the way they know and feel love the most.
Schedule quality time together
Don’t wait for an opening in your schedule to spend time together. Make your relationship the priority by intentionally creating a date night or some sort of activity you might enjoy. If you can schedule an appointment you can schedule time for your relationship.
Try new things
As we change over time, we need to stay up to date with our partners on what makes them happy or excited. Trying new things together allows the space to find new hobbies or things that you both enjoy doing together. Trying new things can also create excitement within the relationship.
Communicate
Make a point to communicate your feelings and needs in the relationship. Don’t do this by listing your partner’s deficits. Focus on what you need, and how those needs can be met. You are a team. You chose each other.
Relationships are a choice, and you must actively choose your partner over and over again no matter what phase you are in. The roommate phase may come and go multiple times, but being aware of it creates the potential to address it and reconnect.
If you find that you are stuck in these habits and are needing support, reach out to us before you let more time pass. Your relationship health is worth the effort!
Written by Chandra McCullough, LPCC
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co