Shoulding

Look, I know this isn’t a real word, but it is an action that we continue to do to ourselves and others that is causing some real damage. Shoulding, is telling ourselves and others that we SHOULD be, do, or expect anything. We can get really stuck in the shoulds of life without even realizing that we do it.

You SHOULD be happy all the time.

You SHOULD go to the gym more.

You SHOULD be more agreeable so you can get where you want to go.

You SHOULD be content. 

You SHOULD always put your kids first, no matter how drained you are. 

You SHOULD see through a commitment even if it is making you miserable. 

You SHOULD stay. You SHOULD go.

Your partner SHOULD do all the things you ask.

Your parents SHOULD have known what you needed growing up. 

I could go on, really. The shoulds that I hear people tell themselves in our sessions are endless. But my question is always, “WHO SAYS?!”

Who says that you should do those things? You? Your parents' unspoken expectations? Society's twisted view of what is right and wrong? Your partner? Some parenting book you read?

So, who says? If you can figure that part out of where this expectation comes from, you have the ability to challenge the thought. You hold the power to ask yourself if this is a shoulding expectation that you really want to live up to or if it is just an blind compliance that now holds guilt and shame because you can’t live up to the should. 

Take a step back and notice when you say to yourself, either outloud or in your head, a should comes up. This is an important step in this because shoulds are so automatic that we don’t even know it is happening most of the time.

Once you notice the should, try to sit with it and figure out where it comes from. Who expects that should? How old were you when it started? Does this should make you feel good about yourself or your life? Does the should serve you?

If this should doesn’t give you the feel goods, how do you kick it?

Honestly, this is the hardest part of the whole challenge. You have to really ask yourself, if that should doesn’t do it for you, what do YOU want, need or desire without the should? Then you have to break the habit of whatever that should created. 

To break the habit to get what actually does serve you, you may have to do some things that make you and others uncomfortable. Change is uncomfortable. 

You may have to:

-Set boundaries

-Communicate expectations for others

-Change daily habits

-Actively change relationships that you have

-Have consistent conversations with yourself to break the automatic thoughts

The list really could go on for a while. 

I recognize that this is not easy work but I can tell you that after you get through the hard work, you are able to answer some of the questions in a much more positive way. You will likely be happier and less stressed because you are going to actually be living in a way that makes your happy instead of focusing on this ghost should expectations.

Written by Chantel Landeros,MS, LMFT
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co