4 Tips to Traumatic Responding in Relationships (Part II)
Hello again! In our previous blog post, we provided you with information on traumatic responding in relationships along with 4 helpful tips. Today, we are giving a more in-depth view of how to (1) call a time-out, (2) ground with the senses, (3) communicate assumptions, and (4) seek repair. So, let’s get started!
How to Call a Time-Out
Due to the automatic nature of trauma response, it is important to take a few moments to regulate the nervous system before attempting to manage conflict. To call a time-out:
Communicate this need with your partner as well as your plan or intent;
Establish a time to come back together;
Return as promised (this is VERY important).
Here is what it looks like, practically:
Partner 1: “I need to take a time-out. I’m going on a 30-minute walk around the neighborhood and will be back at 6:00p.”
Partner 2: (Stops all communication except to acknowledge that the information was received).
This skill works much, much better if practiced as an agreed upon method of handling conflict and not as a punishment. According to research, the time-out should last at least 20 minutes but no more than a few hours (and certainly not more than a day).
How to Ground with the Senses
Next, traumatized individuals are very in tune with their inner world which, at times, contradicts what is actually happening. Skills such as deep breathing, prayer/meditation, or grounding with the senses will help reduce any intense emotions that accompany the threat response.
To ground the senses, take a moment to notice five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. This is a simple process that focuses attention to the outside environment and helps to re-establish a felt sense of safety.
How to Seek Repair
Once emotions are settled, seek repair! If a time-out was called, return at the previously communicated time and attempt to re-establish connection. Turn towards your partner and utilize effective communication skills (i.e., active listening, eye contact, relaxed posture, empathy, etc). Keep in mind that the person you are speaking with is someone you love and that you are on the same team!!
How to Communicate Assumptions
Finally, it is important to note that in the absence of information, we make things up. So, in order to rid our relationships of assumptions and reduce harm, Dr. Heather Berberet recommends the strategy of inquiry. Here’s what it looks like:
Partner 1: “When you said/did____, I assumed _____. Is that accurate?”
Partner 2: (clarifies meaning and intent without becoming defensive; offers an apology if necessary). For example, “Not necessarily. When I said ____, what I meant was ____ . I apologize for ____. Does that help?”
Conclusion
While this is not an all-inclusive of possible solutions, it is my hope that these 4 tips will help to establish the safety and connection necessary for a thriving relationship! And, if you and your partner would like additional support in navigating the trials in your relationship, our team of therapists would be happy to assist you!
Written by Samritha Sanchez, LPCC
Thrive Marriage and Family Counseling, Grand Junction, CO.
Sam is accepting new clients for Individual Counseling( EMDR) and Couples Counseling (EFT).Reach out to us today if you are interested in scheduling with her or any of our amazing therapists at Thrive.