Holidays: When Toxic Positivity Interferes with Grief, Loss, and Depression
The holidays are upon us and the messages they send are quite clear. In November, we are supposed to be thankful for the people around us and the life before us. Once December arrives, we are supposed to roast chestnuts on an open fire and cuddle up to the ones we love on Christmas morning. Every store we enter sings melodies of love and peace. It’s the most wonderful time of the year is reinforced at every corner. A reminder to have yourself a “Merry Little Christmas” plays in every background. Peace, joy, love, and gratitude are all things that we are reminded of during the holidays, but what if we don’t feel them? What if happy holidays does not hold true for us?
Perhaps you are in the middle of a very difficult divorce. Your family is broken, you are broken, and you are not sure how the holidays will look now in a family that is divided. Maybe you are grieving the loss of a family member or friend, and you just cannot bear to sit down at a meal where an empty chair resides. As a child you may have never experienced joy in the holidays, bringing intrusive and unwanted memories to you as an adult in this season. These thoughts and emotions are valid, but they may seem incongruent with the current world around you. The holidays can be a beautiful time to foster beautiful memories, but when aligned with grief and loss, they can often cultivate toxic positivity.
What is Toxic Positivity?
Toxic positivity is deeply ingrained in our culture. It can be found in many areas in which difficult emotions reside. When these difficult emotions are disregarded or ignored, perhaps encouraged to be replaced with strength and hope, we may find ourselves falling into this trap; holidays being the largest trap of them all. We may feel forced to hide how we truly feel behind holiday parties and gift exchanges. We may feel forced to put on a face so as to not bring down the holiday cheer that others are portraying. Feeling anything other than cheer may leave us experiencing deeper guilt that we can’t quite catch up to the spirit of the season.
Simple Guidelines for Thriving this Holiday Season:
Acknowledge your emotions! Our emotions serve us in a variety of different ways. Even the most difficult ones to feel have purpose. When we deny ourselves to experience the grief process, we invalidate ourselves from experiencing the most painful parts of being human. This pain is often symbolic to the relationship that was lost. Grief is a direct representation of the loss of some of the most beautiful moments in life. These emotions are valid and despite the culture perpetuated by holiday cheer, we have to learn to make space for them in a healthy way. This first looks like giving ourselves permission to feel what is on our hearts, even if it directly interferes with the spirit of the season. Allow yourself to check in with yourself at every moment, trusting that what you feel is accepted and welcomed for your healing journey. There is no timeline for grief, stalling it or masking it only makes it more complex.
Grief and gratitude can sit at the same table. Don’t allow yourself to only experience a single set of emotions, and perpetuate that this is all you will feel. I often hear clients tell me one of two things: Either they feel as though they will never experience joy out of the holidays this year (paying attention only to their grief), or they feel they have to suppress their grief to fit in with the joy that society is portraying (toxic positivity). Joy can reside with heartache. You can mourn a loss or memory, yet still find joy in those around you. Purposefully, and mindfully, welcome all emotions and experiences that you feel that you can handle.
Honor the old traditions and make new ones. With holidays, inevitably come traditions. In the midst of our sadness, It may be difficult to reflect on these traditions and keep them moving forward. Traditions often allude to happier times. Allowing grief to rob us of these happy moments would be a dis-justice. Those moments existed, you existed, and better times also existed. I am not telling you to intentionally carry out the full blown ritual. If we honor our grief, we honor that in doing so it might cause great pain. However by reflecting on them, we are still able to acknowledge their presence for the holiday. It’s also helpful to recognize that with grief comes a new version of you in time. The person you were before the event will not be the same after. Creating new traditions to carry forward may help foster this continued growth.
Set Realistic Expectations. You may not make it to every house for Thanksgiving. You may not feel up to traveling for Christmas. You likely won’t feel like decking the halls. That’s ok. There’s no road map for grief. It’s messy and ugly and painful. Toxic positivity tells us to paint a smile on and march forward. If you are tired of marching, just be. Be human. Lean into the anger, the anxiety, the fear, or the depression. Only allow yourself to complete what is in your bandwidth. It’s perfectly acceptable to be who you are and where you are emotionally this holiday season.
If you are struggling this holiday season, please reach out to us. We have a team of therapists ready to sit with you and embrace any and all that you may hold.
Written by Ashley Carter, LPCC
Thrive Marriage and Family Counseling, Grand Junction, CO.
Ashley specializes in Individual Counseling focusing on behavior changes and challenging negative thoughts. In her Couples Counseling, she focuses on giving couples functional tools and conflict resolution.