4 Tips to Traumatic Responding in Relationships (Part I)
Have you ever felt as if you and your partner are speaking entirely different languages? Perhaps, you’ve even thought that they MUST be crazy!! Or “how can they take what I’ve said and turn it into….THAT?!!” Well, if you are in a relationship with someone who has experienced trauma (which, let’s be frank, is A LOT of people) then keep reading!
What is Trauma?
Trauma is an individual’s response to any distressing event that overwhelms their ability to cope. Very intense or repeated traumatic events threaten one’s sense of safety as well as their sense of self. The traumatized individual, then, learns to consistently scan their environment for threats and is often easily dysregulated (i.e., emotional flooding, dissociation, etc.).
For example, the traumatized brain responds to a comment such as “honey, you forgot to load the dishwasher” with an internal alarm and dialogue such as “I am a failure” (reduced sense of self). “Why would anyone want to be with me?” (threat to relational safety).
Another example would be when one partner fails to check in after an argument. The threat is activated based on past experiences (i.e., fear of abandonment), devaluation begins (“I am unlovable”) and the response is either to fight (hostility), flight (avoidance) or freeze (shut down).
Left unchecked, such responses may lead to:
Frequent, intense arguments;
Physical violence or other abuse;
Addiction;
An inability to separate;
Fear, hopelessness, and desperation.
Also, it is important to note that when emotions are elevated, the brain centers responsible for communication, problem-solving, and empathy temporarily go offline. So, in an effort to ease the pain of traumatic responding, here are 4 tips to start using today:
Call a Time-Out
Practice Grounding Skills
Communicate Assumptions
Seek Repair
For a more in depth guide on “how to” conduct each of these tips, check out our next blog post in this series of trauma!
Written by Samritha Sanchez, LPCC
Thrive Marriage and Family Counseling, Grand Junction, CO.
Sam is accepting new clients for individual counseling, couples counseling and EMDR therapy. Reach out to us today if you are interested in scheduling with her or any of our amazing therapists at Thrive.