Enriching Life and Relationships in Later Adulthood
When education, family, and careers push us through growth we may not realize that life itself has been the driver and shaper of our individuality. We become who we are as we adapt to constant change. But what happens when that change begins to slow down? What happens to our identity? What happens to our relationships?
Later adulthood is full of invisible stagnation. You may reach the peak of your career or even retire. Your children may move out. Your relationship and activities look the same, day-in and day-out. For may reasons, there is less and less going on in life once adults reach their 50’s. To make matters more challenging, we begin seeing our parents, other family members, or even friends pass away. The combination of stagnation and finality can make it feel as though death is at the door, and we have only a short amount of time to make life meaningful.
This experience can cause many people to feel a sense of panic. What is often labeled as a mid-life crisis or empty nester syndrome, is really just late adulthood, or the last productive years of the human existence. It causes panic because we can all at once see the inevitability of death, dissatisfaction with life so far, and urgency to leave a legacy or make life meaningful. If you are feeling this way, you are not alone. However, many people, in their panic, make big decisions such as divorce, career change, or expensive purchases. It’s no wonder, many couples seek counseling during this phase. The passion of an early marriage has been tamed by years of raising children, who become adults, and leave two strangers in a house who have forgotten who they are and how to fill their time. For those who never marry or have children, the excitement the they once experienced in their career may begin to lose its luster, and wish they would have invested more in building relationships. Either way, feelings of panic and regret may set in. While this chapter of life can be overwhelming and daunting, it also has great potential for revival. Here are five suggestions of ways to reduce panic and increase joy in later adulthood:
Invest in yourself: not to be confused with generic selfishness wherein a person disregards the needs and wills of those who matter most to them, but rather making intentional investments in developing who you are. Life events and the cost of living tend to take priority in the early adulthood years. All the fun we planned to have as young adults, is quickly consumed by taking care of the needs of ourselves or our families. In later adulthood, you have the opportunity to reclaim time for yourself - take it! Growth counters stagnation. Find ways to support your partner in their growth as well. Investing in your individuality can also be an investment in your relationship.
Turn up the romance: romance is fun! It is what we were all promised by every love story ever written, but then life happens. Turns out, happily ever after isn’t all horse rides into the sunset - it’s a lot more like sick children in the middle of the night and morning breath. Not sexy. In late adulthood, you can actually have that horse ride into the sunset! Now is the time for spontaneity. Now is the time to do things with your partner you’ve always wanted to do together.
Don’t make decisions based on panic: feelings of dissatisfaction with life are normal at this time. Before you jump ship to be with someone else, consider putting the effort you would put into dating, into your current relationship. If you’re going to buy a new shirt and start working out for a Tinder profile, could you first try doing these things for your current partner? Before you upend any element of your life, consider if the life you have, can be the life you want if you just put a little more vigor into it. If not, be thoughtful about moving on. This too can be a positive choice, if it is well thought out. Making major life changes should feel like growth, not like running away. Try to calm any sense of panic by addressing what is really bothering you, before making any big decisions.
Connect with your version of spirituality: thoughts of death can be worrisome at this time. You may be actively dealing with the loss of loved ones, while developing fears about your own death. Take adequate time to connect with yourself and your belief systems. Whatever helps you make meaning of your existence is your spirituality. It doesn’t have to be anything formal. Connecting with yourself can help you to form understanding around death and loss. Seek out resources that can help with this process such as books and communities that resonate with you.
Connect with an art form: No matter the medium, art is a physical expression of the human experience we get to share with others. Language alone is not enough to express the scope of emotion. Art forges the connection between the known and unknown. It allows us to explore and contemplate possibility beyond our understanding. Whether you are a creator yourself, or an observer, art can help you to understand experiences that are beyond words. Feeling connected to others while sharing a collective emotion, is powerful. Art is the hobby that helps you find your community. Find ways to share what you enjoy with others: start a book club, attend art galleries, go to a film festival, have friends over for sporting events, take your partner dancing - there is surely something you already enjoy that you could add color to by sharing it with someone else
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Written by:
DD Love, MFTC
(she/her)
Thrive Marriage and Family Counseling