Top 5 Tips for First Responder Relationships
I recently sat in a meeting with a room full of people where I asked, “What occupation do you think has the highest divorce rate?” As expected, more than a few enthusiastically answered, “First responders!” While there is little empirical evidence to support such a claim, it makes sense that divorce rates for first responders are so highly conjectured. The fact is that most studies place first responders right around the national average with nurses and corrections officer supervisors sitting slightly above. The highest-ranked occupations (dependent on the study) are bartenders, flight attendants, and massage therapists. Actuaries are the lowest which makes sense being that their job is to calculate risk!
Those rankings don’t negate the fact, however, that first responders are highly stressed and often carry that stress into their relationships. I mean, how could they not when their job is to work odd or rotating shifts, they’re being placed in high-risk situations, and experience vicarious trauma regularly? They also miss out on family or other important events because the demands of the organization always seem to come first. They fight for promotions and recognition, adequate pay, and receive little support from key leadership figures. Their job is not easy, and it’s even harder when they don’t have the support they need at home.
As a military veteran and wife of a first responder for the past 15 years, I get it! It is difficult to show support when you feel less important, unsupported, or as if you do all the work at home alone. So, having been on both sides of the fence (while also able to enjoy a beautiful marriage), I’m here to offer my Top 5 Tips to help you thrive in your relationship as a first responder couple:
1. COMMUNICATE!! – Take inventory of how well you and your partner communicate needs and expectations. This is not simply saying “I’m going to be late” or “I need you to prep dinner on your days off.” Communicate why you might be late or how prepping dinner would be beneficial to you.
2.SEEK REPAIR – The way you resolve conflict matters!! Avoid making accusations or condescending remarks and take time outs (as needed). If a time-out is taken, communicate your plan to return, and always, always seek to repair the relationship.
3.WORK/LIFE BALANCE – Make work/life balance a priority! Have fun together on your days off and learn to say “no” to non-essential work-related activities. Go on dates and learn how to play!
4.SHARE RESPONSIBILITIES – Tackle chores and childcare as if you are on the same team. Use your time off to take on extra household responsibilities and spend quality time with your children. This goes a long way and, trust me, you’ll be glad you did it!
5.OFFER YOUR SUPPORT – Openly discuss how you can support one another’s dreams and plan to make them a reality together. Also, discuss the things that make you feel supported (especially after a difficult day of work).
I’ll be the first to tell you that feeling as if you are married to an organization is not easy. But, if you can master these 5 tips, you will be well on your way to a thriving and healthy relationship!
Written by Sam Sanchez, LPCC
Sam Sanchez, LPCC, and Chandra McCullough, LPCC, are now offering discounts to first responder couples. Contact Thrive Marriage and Family Therapy for details!