Feedback That Stings
When you make that call and show up to your first appointment for therapy, you are looking for support, tools, a safe place and help in whatever you are struggling with. Therapists want to give you all of those things but we also have an obligation to push you to talk about some hard things, and we might also have to call you out and give you feedback you don’t like.
I say called out and it sounds pretty blunt but the fact is that therapy is one of the only places where we go intentionally to grow, change and evolve into better people. We can’t always be focused on words of affirmation and validating everything you say, because sometimes, you need to recognize what you are doing is wrong or isn’t working. This might mean that your therapist is going to tell you something that might be hard to hear. We know it is hard to hear, it isn’t always comfortable for us either, but we know we have to have the conversations to help you break the patterns of behavior or thought to help you move forward.
So, what do you do when your therapist says something that stings?
Feel the feelings. If it hurts your feelings for your therapist to call out a behavior, acknowledge that you have emotion around that.
Tell your therapist that it stung. Like I said before, we know it isn’t comfortable to get called out and it is important to just talk about how it hit, how you are feeling about it and what part stung for you.
Sit with it. I know it is really hard to not get offended and get defensive. If you feel that in the moment, let it happen but after your session, give yourself some time to really consider what your therapist is saying. Is it true? Is there anything that you can do with it? Even if it hurts, is there value to the feedback?
The most important part of a therapist giving feedback like this is making sure that the relationship is there. We want to make sure we have a good therapeutic relationship with a client before we challenge them in these big ways. The relationship has to be there for clients to know that even though the conversation might not be a comfortable conversation, that your therapist is there to help you grow.
Written by Chantel Landeros, LMFT
Grand Junction, CO