Emotional Bankruptcy

The average time before a struggling couple seeks therapeutic help is 6 years. It’s very common during that time for some pretty unhelpful patterns to become habit. One common one: an unmet demand, fueled by resentment, becomes evidence for how terrible the other partner is and justifies bad behavior, which then triggers a defensive or hurtful response from the partner. And then, Repeat. 

Any pattern has to have an intentional interruption in order to have a chance for change to occur. Let’s use the analogy of a bank account. If you never made deposits, there isn’t anything left to withdrawal. You can run a deficit, using past credit, yet at some point you are going to owe a compounded debt that feels insurmountable. Constantly spending/withdrawing and never depositing or proactively building your emotional account have the same soul-crushing effects. If both partners operate that way, there isn’t anyone left to rescue you! You become the victim of your own shortsightedness and find yourself in "emotional bankruptcy." 

This can also be true of individuals too. Do you respect and treat yourself well? Or do those mean words in your head constantly take you to task and drain your worth with no loving investments along the way?

Interrupting and reversing emotional bankruptcy takes patience, intentionality and foresight. How often do you:

Deposit compliments about your partner (or self) each day?

Jump to blaming and assuming the worst in your partner (and yourself)? 

Double down on being stubborn because you won't meet your partner's needs if they don't meet your's first?

...How is all that working for you?...

Living in a win-loose mindset will be sure to set up scenarios for losing. Someone has to be the first to intentionally choose to stop the cycle. And, let's be clear - this is more for YOU than the other person. You are still reading this because you can feel how terrible it is to be suffocated in your emotional bankruptcy. 

So start NOW. Find out your partner's love language and provide compliments and kindness in that way. For individuals, make sure you give yourself as much credit for what you do well - it's critical to balance against beating yourself up for your mistakes. Focus on what you can do to connect or reach out, not just what another person is doing for you. Think about your own values and are you showing up that way for your partner - and yourself - regardless of what others do or don't do? 

If you need help getting out of emotional bankruptcy and to rebuild your (self) love account, the counselors at Thrive are always here to help

Written by Kimberly Langston, LPCC
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co