HOW YOU CONFLICT MATTERS

Conflict is a part of every relationship that you have, you cannot avoid it. No matter your resistance or attempts to avoid the tension of conflict, you will eventually find yourself in a position where it is no longer an option to avoid. 

Conflict can be intimidating because many times it seems like things can go from 0-60 and all control is lost. This is a scary position to be in especially when your goal is to have your voice heard and your position understood with someone important to you. When the idea of conflict isn’t one big intimidating package, it can be easier to manage or create safety in conflict. By breaking down conflict in to three categories: 

Disagreement: noun: lack of consensus or approval

-2 opposing sides

-Sides are communicated in a level tone 

-Positions come from a place of logic

-Emotional investment is low

-Walking away without resolution is acceptable

Argument-noun:a coherent series of reasons, statements, or facts intended to support or establish a point of view; a form of rhetorical expression intended to convince or persuade

-2 opposing sides

-There is emotional investment in the interaction

-Both parties have opposing sides

-Both sides are heard and considered

- Logic and emotion are welcome and can be validated

-Ideal result is compromise

Fight-noun:to contend in battle or physical combat

-2 opposing people

-Emotions are HIGH

-Not listening

-Hurtful things are said

-There is no real resolution but to “win” or have the last word

The most essential piece of this information that can help in making conflict safer is to create a better understanding of how you know when you are switching from argument to fight. Maybe the switch is your voice starts to raise, an insult comes out or you can feel your body start to get red hot? Talk with your partner about what it looks like for them when they get to that point that logic and fact has left the building and you are entering in to pure emotion. By knowing the signs, you can create a plan.

This plan could include some of the follow tools: 

1. A code word: this word or even phrase should be something that is not normally said. Once the word or phrase is called, it is an alert to you and your partner that the line is being crossed and a shift has to happen.

2. Take space: decide ahead of time with your partner how much time you need and where each of you will go to get your space in order to not come in contact with each other. 

3. Re Engage: This is a time to try and figure out what the point actually is that you are both trying to make with each other.

-One person speaks and verbalizes their position.

-The listener will verbalize what they heard their partner say and what they understood. This is a good time to validate your partner's feelings and position.

-Change “roles” 

-Repeat as needed

-Start looking for a compromise as the roles shift back and forth

By putting in structure and agreements to safely communicate your different views in your relationship can allow you to start hearing your partner better and leave you feeling more heard in your relationship.

Written by Chantel Landeros,MS, MFTC

Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co