THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE ENDING YOUR RELATIONSHIP
As a couples therapist, I get many people in my office on the verge of ending a marriage or relationship. I can see the defeat and desperation in their face that they just don’t know what to do or how to move forward. Unfortunately, there is no magic formula or answer that can fix any relationship but there are certain things to consider before throwing in the towel. By no means is this list an end all be all but they are just consideration to challenge a different way of thinking.
1.Throw away the idea of perfection. Perfection by definition is the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects. I don’t know about you, but to me, the idea of reaching perfection seems exhausting and unrealistic to maintain consistently. If you were able to throw out the idea that your relationship, partner or you should be perfect and instead strive to do the best you can with what you have at the time, it sure would take a lot of pressure off of you.
2. Learn how to like each other again. We can get in a pattern when our relationship is not going well to start picking our partner apart. We find little things, big things, annoying things, hurtful things and just plain mean things to throw at our partner. To do that, you have to be noticing those negative things. BUT your partner has positive attributes, they bring something to this life, your relationship, and your family that is positive and worth noticing. If you started focusing on those positive things, could it change the way that you see them? Could it help? Taking it to the next level, if you said those things out loud to your partner, could it help the way you interact with them.
3. Your next partner will be annoying too. This one is pretty self explanatory, but if you are deep into the struggles of your relationship it may be hard for you to imagine someone else being as annoying as your partner is right now. I promise the next person will have annoying things about them too. They may be able to load the dishwasher the way you like them too but maybe they are going to leave their underwear on the floor right next to the laundry basket. Or maybe they will put your tools back exactly where they were but they spend Saturday being lazy when you want to be out riding your ATV. We are ALL ANNOYING in our own way.
4. Divorce or separation is hard work too. I know it may seem easier right now, right? It has to be easier to get out then deal with what you have been going through for years, right? Maybe, maybe not. If you don’t have kids, maybe it will be a clean break. You are still going to have a lot of work to do to separate your lives. House, friends, family, dogs, house plants, furniture, the list goes on. You are still going to have to do the work to heal yourself from whatever happened before your relationship and what happened during your relationship. If you have kids with your spouse, you will still be dealing with them for the rest of your life. It is going to be work to do all of the above, manage the kids on your weeks, and co-parent.
Look, you have probably thought about some of this but I think it is important to be reminded of things to consider. I think the biggest thing to consider is if your relationship feels like it is over, it can never hurt to work on yourself before ending your relationship and afterward. You are not perfect in your relationship either and you probably have some healing to do. If your partner isn’t willing to do the work on their side, you owe it to yourself to start your journey toward the happiest, healthiest you sooner rather than later.
Written by Chantel Landeros,MS, LMFT
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co