THE BATTLE WITHIN: WINNING THE WAR WITH THOSE MEAN VOICES IN YOUR HEAD
We have all experienced it. That little voice telling ourselves we are stupid, unworthy, unloved or a failure. Traditional wisdom says to just stop or ignore that negative thinking, but that is way easier said than done – and, frankly, not very helpful. So what does help?
First, let’s start with the root of the issue. What experience(s) make you jump to such callous conclusions? Oftentimes, we have had experiences that left us feeling bad in the past, and we learn to associate that emotion with an action as if it were a fact.
For example, you grew up as an only child where your own and your parents’ expectations of you were high. When things didn’t go as planned or you made a mistake, you felt embarrassed or as if you were letting them down. Now fast forward to your current marriage or partnership. You argue about a seemingly simple task like folding laundry, housekeeping or loading the dishwasher and it “suddenly” becomes a huge blowup centered around your partner not supporting or loving you. What is that voice in your head really saying? You’re a disappointment in this relationship or a failure at heart…? You better prove or protect yourself before your partner leaves…?
That voice in your head just gave a whole new “meaning” to the fact of a difference of opinion in how to complete a task. Your history and patterns of the past led you to assign meaning to a situation not based on the current facts but on your interpretations from long ago. Could there be a possibility that you have changed, grown or learned something that can allow you to show yourself some grace – to create a different meaning for the current “fact?”
We like to think of our emotions as reality. Have you ever heard yourself say, “You can’t argue with how I feel,” or “This is my truth?” I challenge you to consider that your feelings could be a flag, not a fact. They tell you something is going on, but your interpretation of them may be tainted.
Consider these questions:
How do you react to conflict? Is your go-to to blame yourself, act out in self-defense, or to adopt a “victim” mentality? Think about why you default to that meaning.
What words do you use to describe yourself? Those mean voices are sticking to the story you have long-ago created. Learn how to re-write your narrative and create a more accurate description of yourself.
What techniques work best for you to calm and interrupt your emotions? Our reactions can instantaneously trigger psychological, physical, and social chain reactions. Practicing how to interrupt your body’s response to intrusive thoughts and slowing down your meaning-making process is critical to re-wiring your brain.
How is your response to situations affecting your important relationships in your life? Updating your emotional skills can make a world of difference toward becoming a better parent, co-worker or life partner.
Written by: Kimberly Langston,MA, LPCC
If you’d like support in discovering grace for yourself and changing those mean thoughts, I am here to help! Schedule a convenient appointment now: