THE RAINCOAT: SUPPORTING A PARTNER THROUGH MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL TURMOIL
Some of us were raised in households where we were taught to think of feelings as a bad thing. “If you’re going to cry, go to your room and do it.” Or maybe you were upset by things out of your control, but your disappointment was called a tantrum and punished while no one took the time to ask why you were upset in the first place. While others were raised in a household with one or more parents who were emotionally erratic. The slightest thing set someone off and breaking dishes was a common response. To add mental health into the mix, many of us come from cultures where depression and anxiety were simply labeled as “crazy,” and these behaviors were kept private from neighbors and extended family as if they were something to be embarrassed about. While some of us come from houses where our parents could ask for help for these things and even share their experiences with us.
Do you see yourself in any of these scenarios? If so, how were you taught to deal with mental and emotional turmoil? Does it make you uncomfortable? Is it normal?
Oftentimes I will see a couple where one partner comes from a home where mental and emotional turmoil were suppressed and the other partner comes from a home where these things were familiar. When the partner who has learned to be uncomfortable with these behaviors is called on to support a partner who experiences symptoms of depression and anxiety, their response is often to attempt to “fix it” or make it go away. What can be challenging for those who are unfamiliar with the open expression of emotions is they have no experience responding to them. Even being near big feelings might cause them to feel uncomfortable.
If you find yourself wanting your partner to stop crying because it makes you feel bad or uncomfortable, how do you respond? Do you bring tissues? Do you kindly rub their back while you say, “it’s ok, don’t cry”? Have you ever considered that it is not your partner’s feelings you are trying to manage, but the way watching them struggle is making you feel? Are you possibly trying to suppress their expression to relieve your own discomfort?
I like to use the analogy of a raincoat to explain this. Imagine your partner is standing in the rain. You, seeing them cold and wet, rush out to bring them an umbrella. You try to take away the experience of the wet and the cold from them because you were taught to understand wet and cold as bad things. But your partner may want to experience the rain. Being wet and cold may be exactly what they need to feel at that moment. You bringing them an umbrella is about you, not them. A better way to support your partner is to put on a raincoat so that you can stay close to them while they have their experience, but you don’t have to experience it for them. Their feelings are not your feelings. You can be close to them in a time of need without taking away their experience, and without taking on their experience as your own. Here are some things you can try to help you support your partner in their symptoms of depression and anxiety better:
Acknowledge the hardship your partner is experiencing. “Man! That is hard.” Empathy is about acknowledging how the other person is feeling. It is not about changing the feeling. It is not about your experience. Sympathy is different from empathy because it is like saying “That sucks for you” and then walking away. Empathy is validating that what they are experiencing is hard, and choosing to stay with them through it.
Be close, but don’t try to fix it. Let them know that you are here to help if they ask. If they want to talk, just listen. Simple gestures may be appropriate like bringing a blanket or a glass of water, but these things communicate a sort of permission to feel their feelings. They are not delivered with the intention to make them go away.
Regulate your own feelings. If seeing someone you care about struggle makes you uncomfortable, learn to acknowledge that. It makes me so sad to see her this way. And then think about actions and behaviors that might be appropriate for you to offload feelings that do not belong to you. “Ok honey, you’ve got your blanket and your show. I am going to go for a 15 minute walk so that I can support you better when I get back. I will have my phone if you need anything. Is there anything I can do for you before I go?” If you become so burdened by your partner’s feelings, they might forget to take care of themselves and start trying to take care of you.
Learn to tolerate discomfort. While you need to be regulated so that you don’t become the patient, do not be afraid of the discomfort of someone you care about. Maybe you don’t cry when you are sad. Maybe you don’t get loud and speak fast when you are hurt. Maybe you don’t need to talk about every little detail to feel better about a situation that didn’t go well…. But some do. Sometimes we communicate to others that they are “too much” when they are experiencing emotion just because we were taught to suppress the expression of our own. Think of it like witnessing a fire rage. Yes, if you get too close it can burn you, but it can also be beautiful and warm. Even if you are not an emotionally expressive person, you can learn to appreciate how your partner expresses emotion. It might make you feel a little uncomfortable at first, but you will build a tolerance, become a better listener, and maybe even learn something you didn’t know how to do for yourself.
Written by Dazholi “DD” Love, MFT Intern
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling
Grand Junction, Co