NOT MY SPIDER
We have all heard the saying, “Not my monkey, not my problem”, right? It is saying that people use to set boundaries and not take responsibility problems they don’t want to have to deal with. While I think this saying has so much value, I have also not actually come face-to-face with many monkeys in my life.
What I have come in contact with A LOT in my life is spiders. My gut instinct when I see one in my house or near me, I imagine I am not the only one, is to find the nearest shoe and smash it. BUT there are times I don’t, I take a step back and can rationalize that the spider that I have come face-to-face with is pretty harmless and in fact, serves a purpose that would benefit me more than if I smashed it with my shoe.
These spider encounters got me to thinking about boundaries and limits. The “not my monkey” saying is a way for us to verbalize we don’t want to deal with whatever is in front of us, but I think there are a lot of times where we are not setting any boundaries or realize that we are so overwhelmed that not only are we reacting to spiders that come in our path but we are also searching for spiders to smash. THEN other people see how effective we are at smashing spiders that they seek us out to help them smash their spiders. THEN they see how good we are at smashing their spiders, so they sit down and let you take care of all of their spiders.
Let me tell you what spider smashing is EXHAUSTING if you aren’t able to take a step back and see yourself running around like a maniac with a flip flop in your hand trying to smash all the spiders in the world.
Ask yourself, how many spiders are you smashing a day? How many things are you taking care of, thinking of, or holding on to that leaves you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed?
Are you smashing other people’s spiders? Are people gravitating toward you because they KNOW you are going to take care of their problems, fix it for them, or make it all better?
Do you need to be smashing all these spiders? Do you need to have ALL of this on your plate? Is it your life’s goal to smash all the spiders AND intentionally seek out the spiders you cannot even see? Are you hunting for problems because your KNOW you can take care of them and it makes you feel valuable and strong?
If you are connecting with these questions, let’s talk about how you can start to look at your relationships with spiders in a different way, or in other words problems in your life.
- The Harmless Spiders- These are the Daddy Long Legs in our lives. Do you need to actually smash this spider? Is it going to hurt you if you leave it alone? These spiders translate in to the problems that we make problems but really we could step away from them without it causing any sort of ripple effect. These are sometimes the expectations that you put on yourself that really don’t make a difference in the end. Examples: Your house needs to be spotless. All the laundry has to be done every day. Your kids need to be dressed in matching outfits with their hair put up every day.
- ThE JuMpY OnEs- These are the spiders that jump out at you and scare you. They JUMP out when you least expect it and you react without a thought. Examples: Your kid gets sick at school, you go get them. You are short staffed at work; you pick up the slack to make sure things get done.
- THE BIG ONES-These spiders may really stress you out, they are creepy and you probably do not want to wake up with them on your pillow next to your face in the middle of the night. Do something about these ones, it may be intimidating and take some courage, but do something about them. Examples: If you are overweight, make a plan, get some support and change some things. Your kids acting out at school and struggling academically, get them some support, spend more time with them, and change some things.
- The Poisonous Ones- These are the spiders that you CANNOT ignore, if you come face-to-face with a poisonous spider, DO SOMETHING IMMEDIATELY. This is rare for most people; just like I imagine that problems that you need to something about RIGHT NOW are not as common as you have trained yourself to think. Examples: If something is literally on fire, PUT IT OUT. If there is a medical emergency, respond NOW.
Take a look at the spiders in your life and ask yourself a few things. Are they your spiders? Are you taking care of or worrying about other people’s spiders? Are you treating every spider like a poisonous one?
Reaching out for support, getting some help from a professional or just sitting down and rating all of your “spiders” could help you find some relief in your life.
Written by Chantel Landeros, MS, LMFTC
Thrive Marriage & Family Counseling